Boys only have one thing on their mind, I remember her dad telling her, and he was right all I wanted to do was go fishing.
And as I read her good bye letter, one thing that really stood out to me, was that it was dated 3 days ago.
All kidding aside, or some of it anyway, I guess its easy for us as men to find more contentment and reward in our occupations and hobbies then in our roles as husbands and fathers. It has always been hard for me to take anything seriously, especially when it comes to relationships. I remember the first time I stayed out and didn't call my wife to let her know where I was. Me and some of the other guys left work and went fishing till sun up the next day. I hated cell phones back then, and quite honestly, it never occurred to me that I needed to call. I returned home to a not so loving, pregnant, and emotional mess. It's hard to make that transfer from 2 to 1.
Before we got married she told me that the thing she loved most about me was my sense of humor, but at the hospital, while she was going through labor, she asked me if some one told me I was funny once. I'm so confused. There was really, at least in my mind, nothing that I needed to change. The only real problems were money, work and other people. Marriage, however, doesn't allow for those as answers or excuses. If you look deep into the eyes of matrimony, you will find a mirror at the end of the hall, and unless you're even more delusional than me, you won't like everything you see.
So I was thinking the other day, what if we all had to write a personal ad, and base the ad on what our wives see now. Remember, I thought I hid nothing, but marriage sometimes has a way of bringing out the things you hid from yourself. Let's see:
Tall, bald, epileptic, who cannot be serious to save his life seeks not too crazy, out door, fishing girl,who is very patient, kind and has low expectations as to my ever growing up. Oh and this is for serious relationship.
My wife may have even agreed to that back then, but it changes once you get married, have kids and face life's obstacles together. I don't ponder the person she is often enough, but when she stopped breathing at the hospital, I started to ponder the person I was in relation to her. It was the person I was without her that frightened me the most. She is often my reminder of god's grace and forgiveness, and without her it was a dark a lonely thought. Well, I love my Meegan, and I hope this helps somebody, if even just to stop and think. It can't be only about you, because that is truly empty. The Picture above is gross, but it was the moment I was most helpless and dependent on God. I was afraid.
". I don't ponder the person she is often enough, but when she stopped breathing at the hospital, I started to ponder the person I was in relation to her." and "It was the person I was without her that frightened me the most." Those two sentences touched me more than others.
ReplyDeleteFor the first, I do occasionally find myself thinking of the woman that I married, our journey thus far together, who she is now and who she will grow to be as time passes. I see the daily changes every couple of years, if that makes any sense. We share so much together, do so many of the same things, I wouldn't know enough of her away from me that could be different than what I have in my mind's eye.
For the second, I have thought about returning to the person that I used to be before marrying my wife but I know that I could never do that. We change every second of every day and there is no going fully back, physically, spiritually or emotionally. She actually represents the changes that my life has taken due to God's will. Really, the only way that you can ever truly be alone is if you have always been alone. And that has never been more false because God has never left your side. I wake up each day and thank the Lord for another breathing, living day. I am humbled to have such a wonderful wife, kids and life. Simple. Blessed. Loved.